Archive for May, 2013

Memories have to be shared

May 9, 2013

Flowers in a window – next to the picture in a frame
I have been there – the place in the picture
I have been there with her
We were together then
We walked together and held hands
In bed we made love – we were in bed often
The sunflowers in the picture frame stood at the side of the dirt track along which we ran to avoid the rain in the approaching dark clouds that glowered at us we closed the plastic door and held each other close while the rain just steamed off us as we kissed.
I wanted to hold her – I wanted to stop on the bridge that crossed that dry river and just hold her. Just hold her and let her feel my emotion, feel my joy at being with her, my satisfaction at her happiness .
The tall vase that holds the flowers in the window doesn’t fit
The flowers fit into it – but it doesn’t fit this place.
It is black, shiny-black, and too tall.
The pastel-yellow walls ignite the black-hole that is the centre of the sunflower that resides in the centre of the picture in the frame. It ignites the passion of my memories, the memories I am expected throw out onto the cold floor so that they can understand me.
They are my memories – no one shares all they have.
She never shared her heart, she just let me share mine with her, and she let me share it so well that it is made empty and hollow.
The white of the flowers in the vase isn’t white, it is ivory. Not smuggled, not an elephant’s tusk. It is the ivory colour of the tin of pain that I bought yesterday. I bought it from a store full of shelves of almost everything you could ever want: Shelves that ran in parallel with the trunk road and perpendicular to the car park. I watched as an old man struggled to reach a tin on a high shelf. I helped him fetch it down.
She left her heart with an old man.
I hate that old man – but I am civilized. I need to scream and shout and beat that old man’s cadaver. When I know he is dead I will find his grave and spit on it. I will dance with my painful feet and revel in the pain. I met him once to make my peace with him.
I wish I wasn’t civilized.

I have ivory thoughts. Off-white thoughts. But she is not here to share them with.
She needed him more than me.

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